“The adjustment period is tumultuous.”
“It’s going to take some time.”
“It’s like being on a roller coaster.”
I had heard or read all of these things about the period of time when your body adjusts to medication for postpartum depression. Somehow I hoped that it wouldn’t apply to me. I was praying that since we’re spending the majority of my adjustment period staying with family for the holidays, that I wouldn’t need to experience it. I didn’t want my highs and lows to be on display. But I’m not the exception.
My life is a lot like a roller coaster right now. The highs are wonderful. I feel great, much like my former self. Smiles and laughter come easily, I’m energetic and eager to enjoy myself. Then the lows hit me. It’s like being crushed by a dump truck filled with sadness.
The lows make life feel outrageously heavy, like even breathing takes more effort than I have energy for. They make smiling for a picture literally painful. They make me angry – angry at anything that makes me exert energy and even angrier at myself for feeling that way. They make me want to cry, even though I don’t know why I’m sad. Most of all, they make me want to jump in the car and drive all the way home, so that I can sulk in my bed. Completely alone and hidden from the world.
The lows make me anxious about the remaining week of our trip. They easily overpower my desire to visit with family and friends. They make me want to pack up everything, call it quits and head home.
I’m hoping this next week passes quickly, with as few lows as possible. I’m hoping that family and friends don’t take my lows personally, don’t judge my ability to parent my child based on these lows, and don’t question my love for them if I don’t seem happy.