**A quick disclaimer for my loved ones: When I mention “giving up” below, I’m talking about succumbing to the thoughts that PPD will consume my life forever. I have never experienced thoughts of harming myself. Just wanted to make that clear. Love you all!
It was just a few days ago that I wrote about celebrating the small victories that I’ve been experiencing. I think it’s so important for anyone fighting depression – or any other life struggle, for that matter – to rejoice in the small indications that we’re slowly winning the battle.
It’s so important, because there are still days like yesterday when life feels almost unbearably heavy. These days come once every week or two for me, but they’re very strong. It makes me feel like this PPD abyss will last forever. I feel like it would be easier to give up than to keep fighting these thoughts and feelings. Below, a glimpse into my thoughts on one of these days.
I’m too exhausted to get off of the couch. Can’t you even interact with your baby? You’re a terrible mother.
The kitchen is such a mess. Why can’t you clean it? You’re so lazy.
Please, C, stop crying. I need to rest. You can play by yourself. Please, play by yourself. You can’t play with your child? You’re a horrible person for letting this happen to you.
I’m too tired to work out tonight. Loser.
Bad mother. Loser. Lazy. You let this happen to you. These are just a few of the toxic thoughts that run through my head on my bad days. I want to just curl up under a blanket in a dark, quiet room until the day passes. That’s why I temporarily withdraw from the world. I’m still trying to figure out how to handle these days and push those thoughts away. For now, I just keep on fighting.