C and I had the best morning together yesterday. We went to our newly remodeled Target (don’t even get me started on how excited I am about it!), had a lot of fun playing and laughing together and then I enjoyed a vanilla latte and he took a 2.5-hour nap.
Then my day took an interesting, nerve-wracking turn. The psychiatrist’s office called to say that they had a late cancellation. Coincidentally, Hubster happens to have very few meetings on Wednesdays, so I took the appointment knowing he would be able to watch C. Back in February, I had scheduled my first counseling appointment for April 6th. I think the spur of the moment appointment was a blessing, because I got really nervous. Like hands shaking, butterflies in the stomach nervous.
I pinpointed my fear of counseling – while I knew that it would be an important step in my journey to healing from PPD, I also knew that I still experience issues that would require me to revisit an unpleasant (to say the least) situation in my past.
That situation was actually the first thing, after background information, that we ended up discussing in the appointment. I have some major trust issues from that experience, which I’ve discussed with you all in the past. My therapist was able to shed some light on how I now approach my relationships. That experience has left me with an all-or-nothing view on trust, and contributes to the social anxiety that PPD has left me with. When I meet someone new, I automatically put them in the “don’t trust” category and am just waiting for them to do one thing to prove me right about that. As for the people already in my life, I have them in the “trust” category but am so guarded because I’m anticipating that they’re going to do something to lose my trust. What I need to come to terms with is that most people aren’t in the “perfectly trustworthy” or “completely untrustworthy” categories, but fall somewhere along the spectrum; and just because someone might do something to disappoint or betray my trust, that doesn’t mean it was intentional or that it would happen again.
Whew…I’m emotionally exhausted from just that one-hour appointment. I feel very comfortable with my therapist; she’s extremely nice. It was just the first time in years that I’ve revisited my whole story of that period of my life (domestic violence) and it brought a lot of feelings up. I had never talked specifically about certain feelings before. But I feel hopeful that this is a facet of my life that needs to be examined as part of my healing. I don’t think I can be whole until my ability to create and build relationships is repaired.
If you’re still with me at this point, I want to tell you that I’m thankful for you being a part of my life and experiencing this journey with me.