In the past week, I found myself really missing friends and family, wanting to make plans to meet up with people and eager to meet other moms in our new town.  These feelings surprised me at first.  I haven’t felt this way in a very long time.  Who is this social being?  For over a year, I’ve wanted to fade into the shadows and hide.  But this person, this social being, that’s the “me” I once knew.  She’s back.  It’s like greeting an old friend.  I’m excited to see her and, at the same time, I need to reacquaint myself with her.

November 2011. My eyes look so empty here.

Feeling life is like a whole new experience after PPD.  It’s like I can’t even remember that life without depression and antidepressants has highs and lows.  You can really feel them, and feeling blue doesn’t mean that you’re falling down the rabbit hole.  It’s just a part of life, and sometimes I need to convince myself of that.

As I reacquaint myself with my old self, I am also integrating her into the post-PPD me.  The post-PPD me is more aware of her feelings, her body, her abilities, her limitations and her needs.  This new “me” is like a more seasoned version of my old self.  She’s been through hell and back; she knows how dear life is, as well as the people that are in it.

I’m more in love with Hubster than ever before.  He has stood by my side through so many hardships, and I know that I can trust him implicitly.  But he’s more than just the person reaching down to help me up, he’s also my very dearest friend.  He understands me in a way that no one else ever will.  He’s the person I sing and dance in the car with.  He’s the person with whom I share jokes that are so ridiculous, no one else could possibly understand.  He’s the person that makes me smile every morning when I wake up and see his face next to mine.

So in love with this boy.

Like every mother, I think my son is the most spectacular person in the world.  He gives the most genuine hugs and kisses.  His endearing smile makes his eyes dance.  The way he says, “Mama,” nourishes my soul.  I delight in watching his (strong!) personality develop.

The greatest feeling in my world is watching my husband and son laugh together.  They share such a beautiful bond.  No one can make C laugh as hard as Hubster can.  It warms my heart and brings tears of joy to my eyes.

I’m eager to nurture friendships that have been neglected.  I’m excited to join a local moms group next month and meet new friends.  I am thrilled to be engaged in my own life once again.  It’s been quite a journey to get here, but I’m a better person for it.

This post is dedicated to the dear women I have met through #ppdchat and Mama’s Comfort Camp.  We may have bonded over our pain, but you have all taught me so much about resilience, endurance and joy.  I’m eternally grateful for your friendship and support. xo

14 thoughts on “Oh yeah, this is me. Hello, old friend.

  1. Kristin, you wrote exactly how I felt after having recovered from PPD. It’s like you finally recognize that woman in the mirror again. I am so glad that we met through #ppdchat. Hoping to arrange a meeting in person sometime this fall. xoxo

  2. I’m so happy for you & that you are wanting to “get back out there”. I agree with what you said about “This new “me” is like a more seasoned version of my old self”.
    I used to want my “old” self back but I now feel the same way with what you said about being more aware of your feelings, your body, limitations, abilities & needs.
    I really love this post Kristin & it seems like some great things may be ahead for you!

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