I’m excited about Baby Deuce…but I’m also kind of scared.
I’m scared to go through a traumatic birth experience again, although I know the likelihood of a repeat scenario is zero simply because I’m scheduling a cesarean.
I’m scared to go through a super uncomfortable pregnancy again. There were so many pains and general discomforts when I was pregnant with C, and it’s likely that I’ll go through all of those things again. But the reward is great, and that’s what I’ll need to focus on.
I’m scared to go through PPD again, but I have a plan in place as well as medical professionals to call upon to help me through.
I’m scared to lose myself again. To fall into the deep abyss of depression, rage, intrusive thoughts and anxiety. It’s terrifying to think that I’ll need to claw my way back into my life. I spent many months doing that, and finally got back to “me” right before I got pregnant with little Baby Deuce.
But then I think about how awesome of a big brother C will be. When I tell him that there’s a baby in mama’s belly, he says, “Yeah!”
I’m excited to give him a sibling and to see their relationship develop.
I’m excited to say, “My kids.” Plural.
I’m excited for the opportunity to experience the newborn and baby stage again. Hopefully this time I will be present. Hopefully this time I will remember it all.
Hopeful. I’m hopeful.