Sometimes I look at my son and it’s like life is spinning wildly around us, yet time is frozen while I look at his sweet face and the feeding tube protruding from his stomach. Life just spins and spins as I try desperately to keep up, all the while wondering. Wondering, when did this all happen?
When did my son stop eating to the point of being lethargic? When did we hold him down while a nurse inserted an NG tube into his nose and down into his stomach? When did he start vomiting his tube feeds so often that they rushed to do the G-tube surgery? When did I wake up in my son’s hospital bed as a pediatric nurse checked his vitals? When did they tell us that his stomach is incapable of contracting properly to empty its contents? When did I beg and plead for OT help for his sensory processing disorder? When were we told that, in addition to everything else, he also has enlarged tonsils and adenoids? When did this all happen?
Because here I sit, staring at the beautiful, innocent face of my two-year-old son and I’m unsure how we got here. Suddenly I’m the mother of a special needs child. Doctors appointments, sensory meltdowns, tube feedings, administering medicine at 4am through a G-tube, opening a mail confirmation of his upcoming surgery…and my world is spinning. Like a hamster in a wheel, I’m trying to keep up.
I just keep running, spinning, trying my best not to fall off. Trying not to fail my sweet child who looks back at me with eyes full of love and trust.
I am the mother of a special needs child.