Category Archives: parenting

My Response to the Article, “A Nation of Wimps”

I’m not sure why this article suddenly went viral, considering it was published in 2004, but “A Nation of Wimps” by Hara Estroff Marano has been making its way around social media this week. Published in Psychology Today, it discusses how micromanaging our children is negatively affecting childhood development. If you haven’t read it, I highly encourage you to do so. In my opinion, the article has a lot of merit.

Hubster and I have a unique perspective on how helicopter parenting affects children in their transition to adulthood. We live on a university campus, where Hubster works as a student affairs professional in residence life. Just in the five years or so since we’ve completed our undergraduate education, we’ve noticed that students are becoming increasingly unable to solve their own conflicts.

Helicopter parents hover over their children, solving their conflicts for them or steering them to avoid conflict entirely. As a result, children don’t learn to develop critical thinking and problem solving skills that adulthood requires. Once these kids are out on their own, they’re incapable of working through the conflict that arises in normal relationships – with significant others, roommates, friends.

The end goal of parenting is to raise independent people who are capable of making their own decisions. As parents, we can instill ethics, morals and values in our children; but we must allow them the latitude to fail. Failure is an invaluable experience that forms the way we respond to adversity. As a society, we’re robbing our children of the opportunity to develop their self-esteem and independence in the name of protecting them from…everything.

My point of view may classify me as a “free-range parent,” but I think it’s critical to our children’s development to allow them to figure things out on their own. To play independently, problem solve and be given the freedom to gain self-sufficiency and self-confidence. We’re providing a disservice to our children by not allowing them to fail.

Things I Never Thought I’d Say

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Parenting has this way of making you blurt things out of your mouth that you never would have expected. Here are some of mine:

How many times do I have to tell you not to grab your poop?!
This baby better show us its genitals today! (I feel the need to clarify that this was said on anatomy ultrasound day.)
Come here – let me get that wax out of your ear.
Thank you for handing me your booger.
We don’t pick Mama’s nose.
He’s bathing in his own urine!
I am not a tree that you can climb.
DON’T EAT POOP! (This particular one was accompanied with a shriek of horror.)

What kind of things were you surprised to hear yourself say?

Losing My Mind

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Today, C is only happy while being held in a standing-up position. You’d think he’d be happy standing in his exersaucer. Nope. You’d think he’d be happy playing in his gym (his absolute favorite toy). Nope. Is he hungry? No, recently ate. Does he need a diaper change? No, recently pooped. Is he tired? No, he just took a two hour nap while being held because he would NOT stop crying in his pack n play.

Meanwhile, I’m trying to take care of the overflowing basket of dirty laundry, the ominous stack of dirty pots and pans, and the fact that I must get some work done today.

Every time I tried to put C down so that I could get something – anything! – done, he started to cry. Ya can’t even reason with this kid! :-p So then I started crying.

There we sat, looking at each other in despair, tears rolling down our cheeks. That’s when I knew I had to text Hubster with a plea for help.

Thankfully, C is now running errands with Hubster. I need to pop some ibuprofen, turn on some trashy television, put my feet up, get some work done on my laptop and eat a few Oreos with absolutely no regard to how it’s messing with my Weight Watchers points.

How Do Single Mothers Do It?

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I’m going to start tonight by applauding all of the single mothers out there. I honestly don’t know how you do it.

Hubster has been working some crazy long hours lately. To finish preparing for a presentation today, he was in his office until 4am this morning. He leaves before 8 in the morning, so I’ve been having some extremely long days and nights on my own with C. C generally doesn’t nap during the day (sometimes he sleeps 20 minutes on his own, or he’ll sleep longer if he’s being held), so I never seem to get a moment to myself to get things done or to just have a few moments of “me time.” I think he’s going through another growth spurt, so he’s been extra cranky, tired and hungry. This means that he’s been waking up a little more frequently at night to eat. The past few days he has also been getting up at 6am instead of the typical 8am.

Tonight I gave C a bath by myself and that was a challenge! He just learned how to kick to splash the water – so by the end, I was pretty drenched.

I’m SO tired by the end of the day that last night I went to bed at 8. Tonight I think I’ll be hitting the pillow before 9. The days and nights are long.

I can’t wait for September. I want my Hubster back!

High Needs Baby

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Ever since C’s colic started, I’ve been following The Fussy Baby Site‘s blog. Today, they posted a list of the Top Websites for Colic. I visited the Ask Dr. Sears website that was listed and stumbled upon information on high needs babies. I had an “aha” moment – FINALLY, C’s personality is explained.

I knew he was a strong-willed and determined baby, but I’ve been spending a lot of time scouring parenting books to figure out how to conform him to a schedule – especially for his naps. He refuses to nap more than 20 minutes at a time. Even getting him to do that is a struggle that typically involves screaming on his part. Now I understand that it’s not something that I’m doing wrong, and it’s not something that he’s likely to grow out of. It’s just his personality. And he’s not alone – there are many other high needs babies. Their parents also feel exasperated and at a loss for what to do, since their baby’s personality is unlike that of others they know. High needs babies even tend to make their feelings known in the womb by being extremely active. I feel validated!

According to Dr. Sears, whose forth child had this personality, there are 12 features of a high needs baby. C exhibits many of these features:

Intense. Whenever C wants something, he starts screaming. He goes from “0 to 60″ in the blink of an eye.
Draining. After an entire day of needing to actively entertain him and fighting to get him to nap, I am completely drained. It’s exhausting.
Demanding. He needs to be held a lot, entertained, switch positions often while feeding, etc. When he’s not getting what he wants, he screams.
Unsatisfied. He’s only content doing something for a short amount of time. I constantly need to switch things up for him, whether that’s moving him from gym to bouncer to floor to swing or parading toy after toy in front of him to keep him entertained.
Unpredictable. I’ve tracked C’s feeding and sleep schedule since he was born. There has NEVER been a pattern to it. I think we’ll always be an “on-demand” household, because that’s the only thing that seems to work for him.
Super sensitive. Whenever something is the least bit wrong in his world, he starts to cry. In one respect, this is good because he lets us know he needs something. When it happens frequently, it becomes a bit frustrating.
Can’t put baby down. Sometimes he just cries and screams no matter what we do unless he is held. If we sit down, he cries because he wants to be rocked or walked around with. He has a need to see everything that is happening around him, which I believe is another reason that he doesn’t want to nap.
Not a self-soother. Some children can soothe themselves with their thumbs, fists or a pacifier. Not C – his cries will continue to become louder and more frantic until you attend to his needs. It’s best to get to him quickly before it escalates.

It’s challenging to be a parent of a high needs baby, because your baby doesn’t accept common methods (i.e. crying it out or other sleep training). Because you see other babies who are easily calmed or content, you sometimes question your ability as a parent. I’m so thankful to The Fussy Baby Site for posting this information! C is not just a difficult child, and I am not doing something wrong as a parent. This is simply C’s personality and I need to learn how to conform to HIS needs. While it may be hard at times to raise a high needs child, if Hubster and I learn how to positively direct his passion and intensity, these traits will serve him well in life. I just need to remind myself that when I feel like I’m going insane!

*Special thanks to my parents; I, too, was a spirited high needs child. Their patience with me and encouragement of all of my energy has served me well. I hope that I will be able to do the same for C.*

Read Your Books!

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When I was pregnant, one of the last things I felt like doing sometimes was reading. I was kind of a lazy sack at the end of my pregnancy. But looking back, I wish I had taken that opportunity to read some parenting books that I struggle to find the time for now.

Pregnant ladies, I recommend reading some books on parenting styles that interest you as well as what to expect about newborn care! I recently purchased the What to Expect book that discusses your baby’s first year. It is an awesome resource. I wish I had purchased it before C was born. I would have had more time to look through it and be prepared for the things that we dealt with in the first few weeks.

I also should have read The No-Cry Sleep Solution before C was born. Even though I had no way of knowing we would have had problems with him taking naps, it is still an awesome resource to prepare you for your baby’s potential sleep issues. If your baby doesn’t have sleep problems, it still gives you some valuable info on baby sleep patterns. I had no idea about that stuff. I really need to read through the book, but haven’t had the time to get to the “solution” part of it yet!

Good luck and happy reading!

Birth Plans

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All of the pregnancy books tell you to come up with a birth plan so that you know exactly what you want to do when the time comes.

I’ll admit, the thought of a birth plan was a little daunting to me. This was my first pregnancy and I had no idea what to expect from a labor and delivery experience. I was afraid to plan it all out because that meant I had to really think about it ahead of time. My doctor asked me about it during one of my late third trimester appointments. When I said I didn’t really have one, but I knew I wanted an epidural, she just chuckled and said it was probably a good thing. The people who come in with a three-page birth plan, for example, are often disappointed because things never seem to go exactly as planned.

I went in knowing that I wanted an epidural and a vaginal delivery. That was the extent of my birth plan, and I thought of it as very relaxed and “go-with-the-flow.” Hubster can attest to my laid-back approach – I even allowed him to watch the NFL draft on ESPN while I was in labor!

As it turns out, I was not quite as “go-with-the-flow” about everything as I thought.

After 16 hours of laboring in the hospital (preceded by 3 days of early labor at home) and 1.5 hours of pushing, the on-call OBGYN broke the news that I would require a cesarean delivery. I immediately burst into tears. I had only wanted two things out of my birth experience, and a c-section was NOT one of them. I thought about the surgery, the longer recovery time, the fact that I would need c-sections with any future deliveries. I felt like I had failed by not being able to deliver my son vaginally. I had pushed for 1.5 hours, to no avail. Why couldn’t I do it? It was devastating.

Nearly three weeks later, I have the gift of hindsight. In retrospect, my c-section was not a terrible thing. Our little C is here, and he is perfect. My incision is healing very well. Even though I went through surgery, I have TONS more energy than I had at the end of my pregnancy. I was worried about losing weight because I would be less active, but I’ve lost all but 6 pounds of my baby weight already. Yes, I have a long way to go before my incision and abdominal muscles totally heal. Yes, I will need to have a cesarean with my future kids; but on the bright side, I will never need to experience a painful labor again.

While I have been reflecting on this topic myself, I also feel there are additional reasons to blog about it. I have a few friends and family members who are expecting and will be thinking about their birth plans soon. I’ve also seen birth plans mentioned by several people I follow on Twitter. Even though I was pretty laid back about my birth plan, I still was devastated when things didn’t go as I had hoped. I really want to encourage women to go in with a plan of what they would prefer to happen, but to also be open to the very realistic possibility that events could happen that will change that plan. I don’t want anyone to feel like they have failed their baby or themselves because things didn’t go as planned.

If you don’t want drugs, but find you need them – you are NOT a failure. Labor and delivery HURTS. It’s okay to need medication to be more comfortable.

If you need pitocin to move things along – you are NOT a failure.

If your doctor needs to use forceps or a vacuum to assist in your delivery – you are NOT a failure. Your doctor does this all the time and feels that it’s best for your baby to get out faster with assistance.

If you need to have a cesarean – you are NOT a failure.

Events occur during pregnancy, labor and delivery that you may or may not anticipate, but that’s okay. You are giving LIFE, and that is an amazing thing. How your baby arrives here does not matter a day, a week, or a year later. You’ve carried, nourished and given life to a little person. That’s all that is important in the end.

Prepping for Baby’s Arrival

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How early did you start preparing baby clothes, sterilizing bottles, packing your hospital bag, etc.?

Earlier this month, I started washing all of my son’s towels and linens as well as all of his newborn and 0-3 month clothes. Last week, I sterilized all of his bottles, pacifiers and my breast pump. After having to make a quick trip to the doctor this week, we finished packing the hospital bag. Hubster installed the car seat last week. I honestly don’t know what else is left to do before he comes!

My emotions have been bouncing around between being excited, terrified about being responsible for a tiny little person and just wanting him to come so that I’m no longer pregnant. I often experience all of those sentiments in one day – multiple times.

Were you terrified or excited in the last days or weeks before your first baby arrived?

Holy Crap – I'm Going to be a Parent!

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Did you have one moment where it hit you like a ton of bricks – the realization that you’re going to be responsible for a whole other little person? For life?!

I feel like I’ve had multiple mini-moments like that, but yesterday it hit me a little bit harder than normal. Like WHOA. I don’t think that I’ll fully understand what that responsibility and life change will feel like or really mean until we’re actually holding our baby in our arms. At the same time, though, it’s so strange to think about how our life will be changing forever.

Hubster and I went to see The King’s Speech yesterday (awesome movie, by the way – we highly recommend it!). While we used to go to the movies all the time, in the past year I could probably count on one hand how many we’ve seen. So it was pretty cool that we had a date day. The previews were rolling and I was having some issues getting comfortable. You know, with this big ol’ mass of baby protruding from my belly, comfort is hard to come by these days. Anyway, that’s when it hit me.

That was probably the last movie we would ever go to in our entire lives without needing to find a babysitter. And what does that even mean?! I used to BE a babysitter. I still can’t really picture myself needing to HIRE a babysitter. Gone are the days of spur-of-the-moment dinners out, trips to the city, weekend vacations….pretty much anything involving spontaneity and dates. How weird is that?!

Hubster and I have always been pretty spontaneous folks. I am definitely a planner, but when it comes to just the two of us doing fun stuff, we’re pretty “fly-by-the-seat-of-our-pants.” It’s so strange to think how a little man is going to change our lives so much in such a short time. And there it is… holy crap – we’re going to be parents!

What was your moment or mini-moment?

Are Teenagers Today Really Like the Ones on "Skins"?

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Last night, I watched MTV’s “Skins” for the first time. Before the show premiered, I remember reading about the controversy with Taco Bell pulling its ads from the show due to content that they felt was too adult-oriented. There was also concern that the show was violating child pornography laws, since all of the actors are actually high-school age (unlike most shows about teens, with actors in their mid-20s).

The show is definitely racy. The characters are constantly drinking, smoking, abusing drugs and having sex with multiple partners. It had me thinking…are teenagers today really like this?!

If so, I’m terrified to raise a teenager.

MTV and the Skins cast would have you believe that this is a groundbreaking show that finally portrays the life of teens with authenticity.

I’m hoping that teenagers are actually more like the teens portrayed in Glee, and less like the ones portrayed in Skins.

Play Makes Babies Smarter

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I have to admit that sometimes articles like this overwhelm me. You mean just by smiling at my baby, I’ll be helping him develop social skills that will impact him for the rest of his life?! You’re telling me that simply playing with blocks, my child will be developing language and mathematical skills?! It makes me wonder if I’ll do enough of the little things correctly and if I miss something, will my child be irreversibly screwed up?!

I realize that most of parenting will be about instinct. Of course I’m going to smile at my baby. Yes, I’ll be playing with him…sometimes with blocks.

This article from Parenting is all about how free play makes babies smarter. It’s really interesting. I had no idea that my child will be developing his impulse control by playing with others, or that he’s actually developing concentration if he’s so engrossed in his activity that he doesn’t look up when I call his name. I think what interested me the most is that simple, open-ended toys are actually the best for child development instead of a lot of the electronic toys that simply entertain a child when they push a button. It makes sense – if a child needs to interact with a toy, they’re going to become a more active child.

There are so many things to think about when it comes to parenting! But this is definitely a concept that makes sense.