Category Archives: postpartum depression

Breathing It All In

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When I think back to the days and weeks after C was born, I don’t remember that much. I was trying desperately to breastfeed, but felt like I was failing. Hubster and I were extremely sleep deprived. C developed colic around his second week of life. He needed to be held in order to sleep. I remember a lot of crying, a lot of stress, a lot of frustration, a lot of uncertainty in my ability to raise a human being.

Some of that, I’m sure, was normal. Becoming a first-time parent is a scary thing. It can be overwhelming, especially when you’re dealing with a colicky baby. I wonder how much of it, though, had to do with PPD. When did it begin for me? I can only pinpoint when things got noticeably worse, but I don’t know when the firestorm started.

This time is different. Maybe it’s because I’m more confident in my parenting ability. Maybe the medication I started last month is doing its job of keeping my brain chemistry balanced. Maybe this time I realize how quickly babies grow and I want to take in every moment.

It’s probably a little of each. I’m thankful to have this second chance to breathe in all of the littleness that is Baby Jo. Her tiny fingers, the noises she makes when she drinks her bottle, the way she sometimes peeks at us through one slightly open eyelid.

Being able to breathe it all in this time is bittersweet. I wish I had been more present with C. The bond that he and I share shows me that I didn’t fail him, but I wonder if my own guilt will always be there. I’m so grateful for the knowledge, preparation and support I’ve had this time around. This time will be different, and it already is.

Having Another Baby After a Postpartum Mood Disorder by Dr. Jessica Michaelson {Guest Post}

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Today, I’d like to introduce you to Dr. Jessica Michaelson. I’m so happy to have her here to write about a topic that I struggled over – deciding to have another baby after a postpartum mood disorder. If you’re currently making that decision, I hope you’ll find this post very helpful. Thank you, Dr.!

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If you suffered through postpartum depression, anxiety, OCD, or psychosis with your first child, the thought of trying to have another brings up complicated and intense feelings.

These feelings often range from terror and resolve to never get pregnant again to excitement and hope that this time you’ll be able to do it without unnecessary suffering.

Whether you’re considering having another child, or already have one on the way, here is some information that might be helpful:

First…..The Bad News

  1. If you had postpartum mood, anxiety, or psychosis before you are at 50-80% risk of developing symptoms again postpartum
  2. You might experience symptoms during pregnancy
  3. If you are on medication and you discontinue medication during pregnancy, you are at 50-75% risk of relapsing during your pregnancy
  4. Having two children is more stressful than one in terms of physical and emotional demands on you, and stress can increase risk

Now….The Good News

  1. You know what being sick looks and feels like
  2. You know what being well looks and feels like
  3. You know how to ask for help when you start noticing symptoms (or others around you do)
  4. You know that individual therapy, support groups, and sometimes medication can really work to bring your symptoms to remission
  5. You know that many medications are safe to take while breastfeeding
  6. You know that if you need a medication that isn’t safe while breastfeeding, formula will be just fine
  7. You know that sleep, food, and family support are essential to good mental health
  8. You know that being a mother is hard work, but it doesn’t cause intense and endless suffering; it’s the illness that does that.

Above all else, you know that you never want to be sick like that again.

Take responsibility for your care, get information, and surround yourself with people who truly support you.   If you do get sick again, it is not your fault, you will get better, and you can’t do it alone.

With love and optimism,
Dr. Jessica Michaelson

Jessica-024RTDr. Jessica Michaelson is a psychologist, mother of two, and survivor of postpartum depression and anxiety.  www.DrJMichaelson.com

Down the Rabbit Hole

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Note: Loved ones, know that I am safe. My intrusive thoughts do not equate to actions.

Here I go again. Down, down, down the rabbit hole. I wonder how deep it is this time. Probably not as deep as last time, because I know enough to ask for help. But this time I’m plummeting faster. Deeper.

A month ago, I made the appointment to go back on medication. That appointment is April 1. Monday. It seems far away, and it keeps feeling farther away instead of getting closer.

Because I’m falling deeper. Faster.

The intrusive thoughts are there. The rage is back. I recognize their faces this time, and do my best to fight them off. But sickness makes me weaker. The fatigue from this cold makes the demons feel stronger. Darker.

And I keep falling deeper. Faster.

For the first time in my life, I had thoughts of self-harm. Intrusive thoughts, not plans. I’m not going to hurt myself. My thoughts are not my own. I’m held captive by the darkness. But I keep fighting as I fall.

Deeper. Faster.

I called to get an earlier appointment. But it’s never an emergency unless you’re about to commit suicide. Why is that? Why is mental health not an emergency unless physical harm is imminent? I know I need help. I’m falling.

Deeper. Faster.

But I have to wait. Until Monday. So I keep pulling myself up. Looking to the light. Grasping at the tools I was taught last time I was in the rabbit hole.

Until Monday.

PPD, PPMDs and Some Not-So-Common Symptoms

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Spreading awareness about PPD and other postpartum mood disorders (PPMDs) is something that is very close to my heart.  If it wasn’t for another blogger sharing her experience with a PPMD, I wouldn’t have realized that I needed help.  I didn’t experience symptoms that one might typically associate with depression.  I didn’t “feel” depressed.  Here are some of the not-so-common symptoms of PPMDs that I’d like to share with you:

  • Rage
  • Feeling overwhelmed
  • Feeling guilty
  • Feeling nothing
  • Feeling disconnected or, conversely, hyperattachment (sometimes referred to as intensive mothering)
  • Anxiety
  • Intrusive thoughts
  • Racing thoughts
  • Lack of concentration
  • Sleeping disturbances
  • Appetite changes
  • Physical symptoms (i.e. nausea, headaches, stomach cramps)

For more information about PPD and other PPMDs, check out my guest article that is being featured at Our Mom Spot this week.  For more on my personal experience with PPMDs, you may view all of my posts via my PPD page.

The Return of the Intrusive Thoughts

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I’m going to be honest with you all.  I’m nervous.

I battled intrusive thoughts in the postpartum period with C, and I didn’t even know what they were for a long time.  I didn’t know that intrusive thoughts didn’t mean that I was going crazy until some of them were so bad that I could no longer cook with knives and was afraid to be behind the wheel of my car.

Here I am for round two, like a seasoned veteran.  The thoughts are returning and, not too surprisingly, center around the same general subjects.  Heavy objects falling on C, running the vehicle off the road, suddenly jerking the vehicle into oncoming traffic, flipping over the vehicle.

So far, I’ve been able to rationalize these thoughts away rather quickly.  This time I have the right tools in my belt.  But, I’m still nervous.

I scheduled an appointment with my psychiatrist for April 1 to go back on medication.  Our plan was for me to go back on antidepressants (not the same one I was on before, thank GOD) about 4-5 weeks before delivery so that I won’t experience the “bottoming out” of hormones.  I’m just getting nervous that the appointment is a month away.

Will these intrusive thoughts become stronger?  Will I be able to rationalize them away until April 1?  Will I start to succumb to the anxiety that they create?  Will I start to feel like I’m going crazy again?

And then again, I’m so thankful.  I’m thankful that I’ve met so many wonderful women through my last experience with PPD, PPA, and what I’m sure was undiagnosed PPOCD.  I’m thankful to know what to expect, and to have a support system in place.  I’m thankful that I’ve been through this before, so I know how to get help.

Here comes round two, my friends.

Preventing PPD The Second Time Around: Building a Routine

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I’m 25 weeks along in pregnancy number two and I’m starting to get a little nervous about history repeating itself.

I’m better prepared this time.  I will be setting up an appointment with my psychiatrist to start medication before delivering Baby Deuce, to prevent the major hormonal drop that I experienced last time.  I have established a therapist.  I know what to expect.

But, much like last time, I don’t have a local support system in place.  I’m not plugged in to my local community.  Besides Hubster, my support system lives at least two hours away.  Sure, it’s better than the six hours away they were last time, but it’s still not enough.  They have their lives and can’t jump in the car for two hours if I’m in crisis.

It seems like we’re never home on the weekends, because we’re always traveling to things.  When we have been home, it’s when Hubster is on duty and can’t go within 10 minutes of campus.  Our church is 20 minutes from campus.  We haven’t established ourselves at our local church by attending regularly like I wanted.

I’m saying that enough is enough.  I need to get into a regular routine.  I need to attend church every Sunday.  I need to get to know people.  I need to establish myself here.  Needs.

It’s time to pay attention to my own needs.  I need a routine that I can return to after Baby Deuce arrives.  I need local friends and the comfort that simply having a routine and being plugged in to my community can provide me.  I need connection.

I can’t fall down the rabbit hole this time.

An Unwelcome Return

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This past month, I’ve noticed the return of intrusive thoughts that plagued me during my battle with PPA and PPD.  These “what-if” thoughts can be truly terrifying.  I’m happy that I recognize them for what they are this time – just thoughts.  Intrusions in my mind that have no logic, rationality or bearing on reality.

I’m currently reading, Dropping the Baby and Other Scary Thoughts: Breaking the Cycle of Unwanted Thoughts in Motherhood by Karen Kleiman and Amy Wenzel.  It’s an enlightening book about intrusive thoughts and how to combat them.  I wish I had known about this book a year ago, because at that time I felt like the crazy person on the block with these thoughts swirling through my mind.  This book reveals that these horrid thoughts are not just my own; other women experience them, too.  What do you know – I’m not the only freak in town! ;)

Right now, I’m able to work through them on my own with the tools I learned in talk therapy.  I’m hoping that they don’t get worse before I deliver the baby.  I’d like to be able to go without medication until just before Baby Deuce arrives.

How I Cope With Tragedies and Triggers After PPD and PPA

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The elementary school shooting in Newtown, Connecticut, is simply horrific.  There really are no words to describe such a senseless act of violence.  I know that it has affected many people in tremendous ways, particularly those who suffer from depression and anxiety (or have in the past).

I’m lucky to be aware of my triggers for anxiety and depression.  For me, violence against children is probably the biggest trigger of all.  It’s unthinkable, unimaginable.  And yet, it happens.

Even though I have recovered from PPD and PPA, there are still certain things that I know will send me spiraling downward emotionally.  Friday’s tragedy in CT is one of those things.  I choose to cope with these triggering events by not really paying attention to media.

While I fully recognize and acknowledge that this happened, I can do so without delving into news coverage of details.  Knowing all of the sordid details and final moments will not do me any good.  In fact, it would probably send me into days of emotional turmoil, distress and tears.  I just can’t go there.

I guess you could say that I deal with tragedies in the world by…not really dealing with them.  This method of coping may not work for everyone, but it’s what I’ve found works best for me.

My deepest sympathies to the victims, families and loved ones impacted by this tragic shooting.  My love and prayers are with you.

Preventing PPD The Second Time Around: Saying “No”

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One of the biggest lessons that I’ve learned in the past year is that I need to stop people-pleasing and say “no” when I need to.  As the holidays approach and the number of commitments we have or are discussing rises, I’m reminded of this lesson that I learned the hard way last year.

Last December, I was at my worst with PPD.  I was diagnosed in early December, and was adjusting to medication when we went to visit family for two weeks for the holidays.  I love our families dearly, but that trip was a big mistake on my part.  I should have realized that, even when I’m well, a two-week trip constantly staying with others takes its toll on me.  As an introvert, it’s difficult not to have alone time for that long, or not to have “alone” time as just our family of three.  I had two breakdowns during that trip, and one of them was quite bad.  I just could’t mentally handle the pressure of going everywhere we needed to go, and trying to maintain an appearance of…sanity…that I just wasn’t capable of at the time.

I’m not suffering from PPD this year, but I am pregnant and actively trying to avoid a recurrence of antenatal and postpartum depression by recognizing my limitations.  This year, I know that I need to say “no” when I need downtime, even if it’s not what people want to hear.  Even if they don’t understand.  Even if it hurts me to do so.  This year, I can’t afford to be a people-pleaser because I know that my mental health is at stake, and that is WAY more important to me this year than making everyone else happy.  The road back is too awful not to take precautions now.

The fact is that I can’t be everything and everywhere that everyone else needs me to be.  I can only be me, and in order to maintain this “me,” I need to listen to the signs that my body is giving me and really be in tune to my limitations.

Preventing PPD is my top priority in this next year.  I am so thankful to have gained the tools and resources that I have, and grateful to have learned so much more about myself than I ever would have known had I not experienced this once before.

Two Parts Excited, One Part Scared

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I’m excited about Baby Deuce…but I’m also kind of scared.

I’m scared to go through a traumatic birth experience again, although I know the likelihood of a repeat scenario is zero simply because I’m scheduling a cesarean.

I’m scared to go through a super uncomfortable pregnancy again.  There were so many pains and general discomforts when I was pregnant with C, and it’s likely that I’ll go through all of those things again.  But the reward is great, and that’s what I’ll need to focus on.

I’m scared to go through PPD again, but I have a plan in place as well as medical professionals to call upon to help me through.

I’m scared to lose myself again.  To fall into the deep abyss of depression, rage, intrusive thoughts and anxiety.  It’s terrifying to think that I’ll need to claw my way back into my life.  I spent many months doing that, and finally got back to “me” right before I got pregnant with little Baby Deuce.

But then I think about how awesome of a big brother C will be.  When I tell him that there’s a baby in mama’s belly, he says, “Yeah!”

I’m excited to give him a sibling and to see their relationship develop.

I’m excited to say, “My kids.”  Plural.

I’m excited for the opportunity to experience the newborn and baby stage again.  Hopefully this time I will be present.  Hopefully this time I will remember it all.

Hopeful.  I’m hopeful.

I Didn’t Run Away From the Pastor!

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I took a huge step yesterday, y’all.  This was no baby step, that’s for sure.  Yesterday, Hubster was on duty and couldn’t leave campus for church, but C and I went to church.  Yes, I took C by myself to church.  But – wait! – there’s more.

I was frazzled, because I got there right as service was starting and I loathe walking in late.  As soon as we walked in the door, I saw the pastor come over to us right away.  He asked if I was dropping C off in the nursery and offered to walk us there.  I obliged, even though I knew where the nursery was.  I fought my instinct to shake him off (in the past, I’ve been known to want to fade into the crowd at church).

After I signed C in, I headed through the lobby to the sanctuary.  I noticed the pastor was still out there, and he made eye contact with me.  I completely shocked myself with what I was about to do.  I did not quickly avert my eyes and power walk to the sanctuary, effectively running away from the pastor.

I walked right over to him, put out my hand and introduced myself.

Holy. Bananas.

The pastor knows who I am now.  I’m committed to this.

And, in taking these steps yesterday I feel like I’ve finally kicked postpartum anxiety’s ass.  WOO!