Tag Archives: antidepressants

The Return of the Intrusive Thoughts

I’m going to be honest with you all. I’m nervous.

I battled intrusive thoughts in the postpartum period with C, and I didn’t even know what they were for a long time. I didn’t know that intrusive thoughts didn’t mean that I was going crazy until some of them were so bad that I could no longer cook with knives and was afraid to be behind the wheel of my car.

Here I am for round two, like a seasoned veteran. The thoughts are returning and, not too surprisingly, center around the same general subjects. Heavy objects falling on C, running the vehicle off the road, suddenly jerking the vehicle into oncoming traffic, flipping over the vehicle.

So far, I’ve been able to rationalize these thoughts away rather quickly. This time I have the right tools in my belt. But, I’m still nervous.

I scheduled an appointment with my psychiatrist for April 1 to go back on medication. Our plan was for me to go back on antidepressants (not the same one I was on before, thank GOD) about 4-5 weeks before delivery so that I won’t experience the “bottoming out” of hormones. I’m just getting nervous that the appointment is a month away.

Will these intrusive thoughts become stronger? Will I be able to rationalize them away until April 1? Will I start to succumb to the anxiety that they create? Will I start to feel like I’m going crazy again?

And then again, I’m so thankful. I’m thankful that I’ve met so many wonderful women through my last experience with PPD, PPA, and what I’m sure was undiagnosed PPOCD. I’m thankful to know what to expect, and to have a support system in place. I’m thankful that I’ve been through this before, so I know how to get help.

Here comes round two, my friends.

Blessed By Family

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So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

-Isaiah 41:10 NIV

My strength is being tested. Withdrawal has me reeling.

I am so thankful for family. I’m so thankful that we no longer live six hours away.

Yesterday, when my parents found out how bad I was still feeling, they hopped in the car and came to pick up C so that I could focus on taking care of myself. I felt so guilty for not being able to focus adequately on meeting C’s needs; but at the same time, so relieved that I could lie down all day in my dizzy stupor, fall in and out of sleep as needed, and rest in quiet darkness.

I went down to zero on Saturday. It’s been a tumultuous few days of severe migraines, dizziness, brain shivers, nausea, vomiting, chills, fatigue and tears. There have been moments when I didn’t think I could survive it. It’s now Tuesday and I’m still so dizzy and nauseous. I woke up at 8am. It’s now 9:30 and I’m ready for a nap. This is all-consuming and exhausting.

I thank God for my husband and his unwavering belief in my strength to overcome this, my family and #PPDchat support.

Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined it would be this difficult.

Dear reader, if you pray, please pray for me. That I may have the strength to endure this and come out on the other side of it.

Mamavation Monday: Campaign 13 Begins!

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Monday, August 27th is the start of Mamavation Mom Campaign 13! Join us at 8pm EST for a 2-hr Twitter party to celebrate the beginning of the campaign. The next Mamavation Moms will be announced at the Twitter party!

I’m excited for all of the finalists and can’t wait to find out who will be the next Mamavation Moms!

Today’s Mamavation Monday post is going to be very short. As I feared, this last step of my Effexor withdrawal is very difficult. I am so sick and just feel like lying around. In my humble opinion, I don’t think this drug should even be on the market. It worked well when I needed it and it really helped me through PPD, but there are other drugs that would work, too. The withdrawal is like that of a street drug. Never again will I take Effexor, and I warn anyone against taking it. There are many other drugs on the market that are easier to come off of. Don’t just take it from me – a psychiatrist will tell you the same thing!

That being said, I don’t have a goal for this week. Just taking one moment at a time.

Best wishes to the finalists!

Down to Zero

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Today is the final day of my withdrawal from Effexor: dropping down to 0mg. I’m about an hour past the time I always take my dose, and I’m kind of nervous.

Am I going to have worse withdrawal effects than usual, simply because I’m coming completely off the drug now? Will I finish this long withdrawal process only to find out that I need to continue to be on medication?

I’m not even excited, like I thought I would be, because I don’t want to be disappointed if it goes poorly. If PPD still has a hold over me…I don’t know what to even say other than I’ll be disappointed.

Time to wait and see…

Checking In: A Meds Withdrawal Update

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It’s been nearly two weeks since I’ve started withdrawing from Effexor. The first phase of my withdrawal was to drop to 112.5 mg from 150 mg. The first few days were the hardest. I had dizziness, nausea, migraines, a sensation that my skin was crawling, and difficulty sleeping. As the time of my next dose approached, I would get very sweaty and jittery. I’ve been doing better now, but still occasionally get the skin crawling sensation. Sometimes it keeps me from falling asleep at night.

On Saturday, I drop down in dosage again, this time from 112.5 mg to 75 mg. I’m kind of nervous; but I’m also happy to try and get off of this drug. Hopefully it will all work as planned and I will be able to stay off of medication during a future pregnancy.

Thank you to all who have given me well wishes and have asked how this process is going for me. I really appreciate your support!

On Medical Professionals, Antidepressants and Bad Advice

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I’m on 150mg of Effexor. That’s a little hard for me to say, because it seems like a lot. On the other hand, research has shown me that Effexor has one of the least potent ingredients on the market.

When I called my OBGYN’s office in November complaining of symptoms of PPA and PPD, my doctor was booked for the week and couldn’t squeeze me in. They had me see the APNP (advance practice nurse practitioner), who diagnosed my PPD and started me on Effexor immediately. I didn’t think to question her judgement of drug choice at the time, because to be honest, I needed help to keep waking up every morning and I needed it fast.

Effexor was extremely difficult for me to adjust to. I had mood swings, severe bouts of sweating, difficulty sleeping. I had to do the adjustment twice, since the initial dosage wasn’t enough for me. It wasn’t fun; but once I adjusted, I thought the drug was fantastic because it helped me live life again.

The APNP discussed with me the process she recommended of weaning off Effexor. It sounded a little odd to me, but again, I didn’t think to question it at the time. She suggested skipping one dose per week, then two doses, etc., until completely off of the drug.

I’ve been toying with the idea of weaning as we prepare to try for baby #2. Yesterday when I accidentally missed a dose, I thought what better time than now to start weaning. Even though her weaning process sounded odd, I had already begun it accidentally, so why not continue?

Well, let me tell you – that method is very ill advised. For the first 8-ish hours after my missed dose, I didn’t feel any differently than usual. After that, things progressively went downhill. The disequillibrium is horrendous. I need to hold onto walls in order to walk without falling over. I had insomnia and night sweats. Tremendous joint pain, paranoia, a headache that is beyond compare. I just want to cry, and I don’t even know if that’s from the pain or from psychological distress.

I did some Google research on Effexor withdrawal last night (yeah, probably not the best idea, because there are many horror stories to be found). I discovered that due to the short half-life of certain SSRIs, including Effexor, this type of withdrawal method is NOT recommended. It leads to a roller coaster of withdrawal symptoms and drug levels in the body. People are more successful gradually tapering off these types of SSRIs. It bothers me that my medical professional prescribed me this drug and gave me advice about withdrawal without being knowledgable about its half-life.

Apparently, Effexor is commonly referred to by those who have once taken it as the med everyone wishes they never took. The withdrawal process is one of the worst out there. In fact, some commenters have said their doctors say it’s worse than coming off heroin. Oh joy.

Resources
The Icarus Project: Harm Reduction Guide to Coming Off Psychiatric Drugs

Progress!

Good Days and Bad Days

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“The adjustment period is tumultuous.”

“It’s going to take some time.”

“It’s like being on a roller coaster.”

I had heard or read all of these things about the period of time when your body adjusts to medication for postpartum depression. Somehow I hoped that it wouldn’t apply to me. I was praying that since we’re spending the majority of my adjustment period staying with family for the holidays, that I wouldn’t need to experience it. I didn’t want my highs and lows to be on display. But I’m not the exception.

My life is a lot like a roller coaster right now. The highs are wonderful. I feel great, much like my former self. Smiles and laughter come easily, I’m energetic and eager to enjoy myself. Then the lows hit me. It’s like being crushed by a dump truck filled with sadness.

The lows make life feel outrageously heavy, like even breathing takes more effort than I have energy for. They make smiling for a picture literally painful. They make me angry – angry at anything that makes me exert energy and even angrier at myself for feeling that way. They make me want to cry, even though I don’t know why I’m sad. Most of all, they make me want to jump in the car and drive all the way home, so that I can sulk in my bed. Completely alone and hidden from the world.

The lows make me anxious about the remaining week of our trip. They easily overpower my desire to visit with family and friends. They make me want to pack up everything, call it quits and head home.

I’m hoping this next week passes quickly, with as few lows as possible. I’m hoping that family and friends don’t take my lows personally, don’t judge my ability to parent my child based on these lows, and don’t question my love for them if I don’t seem happy.