I’m going to be honest with you all. I’m nervous.
I battled intrusive thoughts in the postpartum period with C, and I didn’t even know what they were for a long time. I didn’t know that intrusive thoughts didn’t mean that I was going crazy until some of them were so bad that I could no longer cook with knives and was afraid to be behind the wheel of my car.
Here I am for round two, like a seasoned veteran. The thoughts are returning and, not too surprisingly, center around the same general subjects. Heavy objects falling on C, running the vehicle off the road, suddenly jerking the vehicle into oncoming traffic, flipping over the vehicle.
So far, I’ve been able to rationalize these thoughts away rather quickly. This time I have the right tools in my belt. But, I’m still nervous.
I scheduled an appointment with my psychiatrist for April 1 to go back on medication. Our plan was for me to go back on antidepressants (not the same one I was on before, thank GOD) about 4-5 weeks before delivery so that I won’t experience the “bottoming out” of hormones. I’m just getting nervous that the appointment is a month away.
Will these intrusive thoughts become stronger? Will I be able to rationalize them away until April 1? Will I start to succumb to the anxiety that they create? Will I start to feel like I’m going crazy again?
And then again, I’m so thankful. I’m thankful that I’ve met so many wonderful women through my last experience with PPD, PPA, and what I’m sure was undiagnosed PPOCD. I’m thankful to know what to expect, and to have a support system in place. I’m thankful that I’ve been through this before, so I know how to get help.
Here comes round two, my friends.