I’m crazy about my little boy. He does this sweet thing where he puts his hands on my face, and pulls my face close to his for kisses or snuggles. It melts my heart in ways I can’t describe.
Here are a couple of my favorite pictures from our trip. He’s the best.
Giving mama a kiss at Animal Kingdom.
Meeting Lightning McQueen and Tow Mater at Disney’s Hollywood Studios.
I usually take the path less traveled, and my journey to motherhood was no different. If you’re not familiar with my story, I’ll give you the abridged version. In July 2010, I was told I had PCOS (polycystic ovaries) and it would be difficult for me to conceive children. In August, I started graduate school and a graduate assistantship only to find out a week later that – surprise! – I was pregnant. I ended up with hyperemesis and was so ill that I could hardly leave our apartment. In early October, I was forced to withdraw from graduate school, thereby losing my job as well. I spent the majority of April 2011 experiencing false labor, and then after 2.5 hours of pushing I ended up with an emergency c-section on April 29. A long, slow spiral into postpartum depression ensued, but wasn’t diagnosed until December 2011.
Most people associate pregnancy and childbirth with joy. For me, it came with sacrifice, life-changes and emotional devastation. I had a very difficult time adjusting to stay-at-home-motherhood. The isolation was awful at times, and only fed my PPD.
So why is this post titled, “Contentment?” Well, folks, I’ve finally reached it. Just in this past week after getting settled in our new city, I’ve realized that my heart is content.
It has taken me 14 months since C’s birth, but I have finally embraced my role as a stay-at-home mom to an adventurous, loving boy. I’m enjoying every day that I get to be with him. I’m soaking up all of his hugs, kisses and laughter. I delight in the moments that I get to hold my sweet son. He fills me with joy and love – emotions that I can truly feel now.
I’ve reached the point of knowing that there’s nowhere else I’d rather be.
I have to admit that part of me feels guilty that it has taken this long. Fourteen months is a long time. But mostly, I’m just so happy to be in this place. I feel like a warrior. I’ve battled postpartum depression with all of the fight that I had in me, and I’ve won. Contentment is my proof.
There are still challenges ahead, but I’m learning so much about coping with stress and anxiety. Healing continues to be an active learning experience. I’m so grateful for the people in my life who have stood with me; and for the fellow mamas with postpartum mood disorders who have taught me so much about support, love, strength and healing.
The journey continues, friends. Let’s walk with our heads held high.
xo
Last night, we celebrated my friend’s bachelorette party and it was a blast! I’ve known L and her fiance, J, since college. J was Hubster’s roommate for two years, before they both got involved in residence life. L, J, Hubster and I used to have a couple’s night about once per week. It was so much fun, and we all became very good friends. L and J are one of the few non-blood-relatives in my life that I know would be there for me no matter what. Life could take a million big shits on my face and they’d still be hanging around with their noses plugged.
I love them like I love my own family. There are no words to describe how happy I am for them and how excited I am to be a part of their big day as a bridesmaid.
We’ve lived out of state for a long time, and last night it was so amazing to be with friends who still called me by my nickname (my initials with my maiden name). It feels like they’ve known me forever. They knew me before I lost my ability to trust. They knew me before I was a wife. They knew me before I was a mom. They knew me before mental illness changed me. They know me and love me for me, and there’s nothing in the world greater than friends who are there through it all.
Congratulations to L and J. May your lives be filled with love forever.
If Hubster and I hadn’t met in college, where would we be now? It’s a question we were pondering yesterday as we marked five years since we officially started dating.
We decided that neither of us would have broken off our prior relationships, because we wouldn’t have met each other and realized how much we “clicked” with someone else. I would have been in a terribly mismatched marriage, that would likely have ended very badly. Hubster would have ended up in an equally loveless marriage.
We would have ended up divorced at a relatively young age. During a chance meeting at the office of the divorce attorney that happened to represent both of us, we would have enchanted each other.
We would have fallen in love anyway, because sometimes people are just meant to be.
soulmates
Life is starting to feel good again. Not all the time, but I’ll take even a moment of it. My body is finally adjusting to the increased dosage of antidepressant that my doctor prescribed three weeks ago for my PPD. I’m starting to feel a lot of joy – but it’s tinged with guilt.
I’m feeling so much joy and love in my days with C. He’s just so funny. He loves to entertain me and make me laugh. He gives me hugs and kisses. He creeps all over the apartment, getting faster every day. I like to soak in all of his expressions, look into his eyes, revel in his kisses and breathe in every moment with him. I feel like I’ve missed out on much of his baby-ness.
Because of PPD, I was numb for a long time. I knew that I loved C deeply and would do anything for him, but I didn’t feel it to the depths of my soul. I enjoyed his smiles, but I felt strained when I returned them. I wasn’t the mother that I could have been. I missed out on the joy of those months. PPD stole those months from me and I wish I could reclaim them.
More than ever, I feel deeply blessed to have the opportunity to be home with C. Maybe I can make it up to him by being an awesome mom from now on. One thing that I find reassurance in is the fact that this won’t happen with our future children. We’ll have a plan in place so that I won’t lose myself to PPD in the months following labor/delivery. I only wish that I didn’t miss out on feeling those first months of motherhood with my sweet boy.
What parent doesn’t love those sloppy, open-mouthed baby kisses?! Oh, they’re just the best. So sweet and filled with so much love. C first started giving kisses a couple of months ago, but he’s been stingy with them lately. After feeling rather sad about not getting one of his baby kisses in a while, he totally made up for it. My sweet boy gave me a bunch of the best baby kisses today.
Throughout the day, he would hold my face in both of his hands and lean in to give me a big, slimy kiss. My face was covered in slobber, but my heart was overflowing with love. 
C was chowing down on his rice cereal when he let out a gigantic burp. He raised his eyebrows and started giggling. It was the first time he laughed at himself. His hearty laughter made me start laughing. We just looked at each other and laughed harder and harder. These are the moments that make all the sleepless nights worth it. :)
It was one year ago today that I woke up at 6am and decided to take a pregnancy test. I was about to join a boot camp fitness team with three other grad students. I hadn’t been feeling quite right and my period was late (although with PCOS, the latter part was not abnormal), so I thought I would make sure that I wasn’t pregnant before I spent $75 on boot camp.
Our Family of Three
Taking the test was more of a formality for me. I really didn’t expect to be pregnant. A month before, I had been diagnosed with PCOS and was told that it would be difficult for me to conceive.
I remember getting impatient waiting for the results. It was pretty early and I really wanted to go back to bed. Then that second pink line started to appear. Uh-oh. It was very faint. What does this mean?! I frantically looked at the instructions, only to find what I already suspected. ANY second line, faint or not, means you’re pregnant, honey. OH. MY. DEAR. LORD.
I bounded out of the bathroom yelling Hubster’s name. He was still asleep, so my frantic yells for him were a bit startling. ”WHAT?!”
“Look at this. There’s two lines. I just took the pregnancy test and there’s two lines. What does that mean?!”
Hubster walked into the bathroom to look at the test. ”Well, it says here that if there’s two lines then you’re pregnant.” I met his words with a look of shock and horror. Much to my dismay, Hubster walked back to bed and was about to go back to sleep.
Me: “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”
Hubster: “Well, you’re pregnant. I might as well get some sleep.”
Me: “WHAT??!?!” Seeing that he really intended to go back to sleep even though I just discovered that I was PREGNANT, I got a bit upset. ”We’re not going to talk about this?”
Hubster: “What’s there to talk about? You’re pregnant.”
Me: “Ummm…YEAH??!”
—-
Even though Hubster was very nonchalant at first, we both had to make huge emotional adjustments over the next few months as we came to terms with how our lives were about to change in a way that we didn’t anticipate happening for several years. We were both 23 and had just moved to a new state, where Hubster was starting a live-in graduate assistantship. We had both just finished our first week of graduate school, where we were in the same program and classes. I wasn’t thrilled about my graduate assistantship and was hesitant about starting graduate school, but I was super excited about us graduating with our Master’s degrees together. It was such a fun thought that filled me with pride and excitement. We were planning on starting a family after we both worked in our professional positions for a couple of years. This was not at all in the plan.
I would venture to say that I had a much more difficult adjustment than Hubster did. Between weeks 5-14, I had the most terrible morning sickness that ended up being diagnosed as hyperemesis. I only vomited once, but I dry heaved so much that I spent the majority of my day hovering over the toilet or a bucket. It was nearly impossible to eat or drink anything. I was forced to drop a class that was heavily attendance-based. Unable to pick up another class, I had to withdraw from school. That also ended my graduate assistantship. Within six weeks, I went from starting a new job and grad school to being constantly ill and not having any school or work. That was really rough. It wasn’t until week 14 of my pregnancy that the doctor found something to help me, Zofran. I really wish I had found it sooner!
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Regardless of how difficult our journey has been this past year, I am now blessed with this beautiful, complex, wonderful child that fills me with joy (and despair at times!). I’m a stay-at-home mom a few years earlier than I thought I would be. But C is here now, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
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This journey started with two lines:
And now I get to look at this sweet little face every day:
An open letter to Hubster:
Two years ago, I married my best friend. Cliche, I know – but it’s true. We had the super fun wedding we dreamed about, including our own evolution of wedding dance that we surprised our family and friends with. The weather was perfect, the toasts were heartfelt and we were surrounded by so much love. It was a wonderful day.
The past two years have been filled with adventures, both planned and unexpected. I never would have guessed that we would be celebrating our 2nd anniversary with a baby, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. This surprise twist that our life has taken will bring us challenges and great rewards. I’m excited to share every moment with you.
Two years ago, I made the best decision of my life by saying, “I do.”
Happy Mothers’ Day to all the fabulous moms out there! I’d like to give a special shout-out to the new and expecting moms – congrats!
Hope your day is filled with love.
I think there are going to be many challenges to having a baby in a one-bedroom apartment through its first year of life. We have relatively large bedroom furniture, but decided that our bedroom is the only place for the baby to go. When it’s super little, we’d have to cook/watch tv/make phone calls/etc very quietly in order to provide a calm sleeping environment in the living room and kitchen area (it’s an open, connected area). When the baby gets bigger, it would be way too easily distracted by us out here to get to sleep. If he or she is in our bedroom, at least we’ll have a door to close so that we can go on with our daily routines while they’re sleeping. But…that also means no privacy for a year. Interesting trade-off. :-p
Then there’s the baby’s things. I can’t believe how much gear such a tiny being requires. We’ll probably need to store the stuff we’re not immediately using with one of our parents (i.e. the highchair until the baby is old enough). We had to purchase a rocker/recliner because we had no means of rocking the baby. Now our living room looks super cramped because there is so much furniture! I love the rocker/recliner and know we will need it. Likewise with the rest of the baby “gear.”
Our dressers and closet will be filled to the max. The bedroom is going to be hard to walk around in. But the good news is that it’s only for just over a year. And I know that once the baby arrives, it won’t matter how cramped it is in here because we’ll be so happy and in love with him or her.