Tag Archives: postpartum depression

Breathing It All In

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When I think back to the days and weeks after C was born, I don’t remember that much. I was trying desperately to breastfeed, but felt like I was failing. Hubster and I were extremely sleep deprived. C developed colic around his second week of life. He needed to be held in order to sleep. I remember a lot of crying, a lot of stress, a lot of frustration, a lot of uncertainty in my ability to raise a human being.

Some of that, I’m sure, was normal. Becoming a first-time parent is a scary thing. It can be overwhelming, especially when you’re dealing with a colicky baby. I wonder how much of it, though, had to do with PPD. When did it begin for me? I can only pinpoint when things got noticeably worse, but I don’t know when the firestorm started.

This time is different. Maybe it’s because I’m more confident in my parenting ability. Maybe the medication I started last month is doing its job of keeping my brain chemistry balanced. Maybe this time I realize how quickly babies grow and I want to take in every moment.

It’s probably a little of each. I’m thankful to have this second chance to breathe in all of the littleness that is Baby Jo. Her tiny fingers, the noises she makes when she drinks her bottle, the way she sometimes peeks at us through one slightly open eyelid.

Being able to breathe it all in this time is bittersweet. I wish I had been more present with C. The bond that he and I share shows me that I didn’t fail him, but I wonder if my own guilt will always be there. I’m so grateful for the knowledge, preparation and support I’ve had this time around. This time will be different, and it already is.

Having Another Baby After a Postpartum Mood Disorder by Dr. Jessica Michaelson {Guest Post}

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Today, I’d like to introduce you to Dr. Jessica Michaelson. I’m so happy to have her here to write about a topic that I struggled over – deciding to have another baby after a postpartum mood disorder. If you’re currently making that decision, I hope you’ll find this post very helpful. Thank you, Dr.!

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If you suffered through postpartum depression, anxiety, OCD, or psychosis with your first child, the thought of trying to have another brings up complicated and intense feelings.

These feelings often range from terror and resolve to never get pregnant again to excitement and hope that this time you’ll be able to do it without unnecessary suffering.

Whether you’re considering having another child, or already have one on the way, here is some information that might be helpful:

First…..The Bad News

  1. If you had postpartum mood, anxiety, or psychosis before you are at 50-80% risk of developing symptoms again postpartum
  2. You might experience symptoms during pregnancy
  3. If you are on medication and you discontinue medication during pregnancy, you are at 50-75% risk of relapsing during your pregnancy
  4. Having two children is more stressful than one in terms of physical and emotional demands on you, and stress can increase risk

Now….The Good News

  1. You know what being sick looks and feels like
  2. You know what being well looks and feels like
  3. You know how to ask for help when you start noticing symptoms (or others around you do)
  4. You know that individual therapy, support groups, and sometimes medication can really work to bring your symptoms to remission
  5. You know that many medications are safe to take while breastfeeding
  6. You know that if you need a medication that isn’t safe while breastfeeding, formula will be just fine
  7. You know that sleep, food, and family support are essential to good mental health
  8. You know that being a mother is hard work, but it doesn’t cause intense and endless suffering; it’s the illness that does that.

Above all else, you know that you never want to be sick like that again.

Take responsibility for your care, get information, and surround yourself with people who truly support you.   If you do get sick again, it is not your fault, you will get better, and you can’t do it alone.

With love and optimism,
Dr. Jessica Michaelson

Jessica-024RTDr. Jessica Michaelson is a psychologist, mother of two, and survivor of postpartum depression and anxiety.  www.DrJMichaelson.com

Down the Rabbit Hole

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Note: Loved ones, know that I am safe. My intrusive thoughts do not equate to actions.

Here I go again. Down, down, down the rabbit hole. I wonder how deep it is this time. Probably not as deep as last time, because I know enough to ask for help. But this time I’m plummeting faster. Deeper.

A month ago, I made the appointment to go back on medication. That appointment is April 1. Monday. It seems far away, and it keeps feeling farther away instead of getting closer.

Because I’m falling deeper. Faster.

The intrusive thoughts are there. The rage is back. I recognize their faces this time, and do my best to fight them off. But sickness makes me weaker. The fatigue from this cold makes the demons feel stronger. Darker.

And I keep falling deeper. Faster.

For the first time in my life, I had thoughts of self-harm. Intrusive thoughts, not plans. I’m not going to hurt myself. My thoughts are not my own. I’m held captive by the darkness. But I keep fighting as I fall.

Deeper. Faster.

I called to get an earlier appointment. But it’s never an emergency unless you’re about to commit suicide. Why is that? Why is mental health not an emergency unless physical harm is imminent? I know I need help. I’m falling.

Deeper. Faster.

But I have to wait. Until Monday. So I keep pulling myself up. Looking to the light. Grasping at the tools I was taught last time I was in the rabbit hole.

Until Monday.

Adorable Baby Gift That Supports The Fight Against PPD!

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These adorable Jammies by Hélene Lauré are the first product dedicated to supporting the fight against postpartum depression!  Ten percent of the profit from Jammies is donated to Postpartum Progress, an organization dedicated to helping mothers and babies who struggle with Postpartum Depression.

I love the sweet little jar these Jammies come in.  Be sure to check out the website and think about ordering Jammies for the next baby shower you attend!

Note: I was not compensated for this post. I just think this is a super adorable product and a very worthy cause!

PPD, PPMDs and Some Not-So-Common Symptoms

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Spreading awareness about PPD and other postpartum mood disorders (PPMDs) is something that is very close to my heart.  If it wasn’t for another blogger sharing her experience with a PPMD, I wouldn’t have realized that I needed help.  I didn’t experience symptoms that one might typically associate with depression.  I didn’t “feel” depressed.  Here are some of the not-so-common symptoms of PPMDs that I’d like to share with you:

  • Rage
  • Feeling overwhelmed
  • Feeling guilty
  • Feeling nothing
  • Feeling disconnected or, conversely, hyperattachment (sometimes referred to as intensive mothering)
  • Anxiety
  • Intrusive thoughts
  • Racing thoughts
  • Lack of concentration
  • Sleeping disturbances
  • Appetite changes
  • Physical symptoms (i.e. nausea, headaches, stomach cramps)

For more information about PPD and other PPMDs, check out my guest article that is being featured at Our Mom Spot this week.  For more on my personal experience with PPMDs, you may view all of my posts via my PPD page.

Preventing PPD The Second Time Around: Building a Routine

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I’m 25 weeks along in pregnancy number two and I’m starting to get a little nervous about history repeating itself.

I’m better prepared this time.  I will be setting up an appointment with my psychiatrist to start medication before delivering Baby Deuce, to prevent the major hormonal drop that I experienced last time.  I have established a therapist.  I know what to expect.

But, much like last time, I don’t have a local support system in place.  I’m not plugged in to my local community.  Besides Hubster, my support system lives at least two hours away.  Sure, it’s better than the six hours away they were last time, but it’s still not enough.  They have their lives and can’t jump in the car for two hours if I’m in crisis.

It seems like we’re never home on the weekends, because we’re always traveling to things.  When we have been home, it’s when Hubster is on duty and can’t go within 10 minutes of campus.  Our church is 20 minutes from campus.  We haven’t established ourselves at our local church by attending regularly like I wanted.

I’m saying that enough is enough.  I need to get into a regular routine.  I need to attend church every Sunday.  I need to get to know people.  I need to establish myself here.  Needs.

It’s time to pay attention to my own needs.  I need a routine that I can return to after Baby Deuce arrives.  I need local friends and the comfort that simply having a routine and being plugged in to my community can provide me.  I need connection.

I can’t fall down the rabbit hole this time.

Preventing PPD The Second Time Around: Saying “No”

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One of the biggest lessons that I’ve learned in the past year is that I need to stop people-pleasing and say “no” when I need to.  As the holidays approach and the number of commitments we have or are discussing rises, I’m reminded of this lesson that I learned the hard way last year.

Last December, I was at my worst with PPD.  I was diagnosed in early December, and was adjusting to medication when we went to visit family for two weeks for the holidays.  I love our families dearly, but that trip was a big mistake on my part.  I should have realized that, even when I’m well, a two-week trip constantly staying with others takes its toll on me.  As an introvert, it’s difficult not to have alone time for that long, or not to have “alone” time as just our family of three.  I had two breakdowns during that trip, and one of them was quite bad.  I just could’t mentally handle the pressure of going everywhere we needed to go, and trying to maintain an appearance of…sanity…that I just wasn’t capable of at the time.

I’m not suffering from PPD this year, but I am pregnant and actively trying to avoid a recurrence of antenatal and postpartum depression by recognizing my limitations.  This year, I know that I need to say “no” when I need downtime, even if it’s not what people want to hear.  Even if they don’t understand.  Even if it hurts me to do so.  This year, I can’t afford to be a people-pleaser because I know that my mental health is at stake, and that is WAY more important to me this year than making everyone else happy.  The road back is too awful not to take precautions now.

The fact is that I can’t be everything and everywhere that everyone else needs me to be.  I can only be me, and in order to maintain this “me,” I need to listen to the signs that my body is giving me and really be in tune to my limitations.

Preventing PPD is my top priority in this next year.  I am so thankful to have gained the tools and resources that I have, and grateful to have learned so much more about myself than I ever would have known had I not experienced this once before.

Mamavation Monday: Campaign 13 Begins!

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Monday, August 27th is the start of Mamavation Mom Campaign 13!  Join us at 8pm EST for a 2-hr Twitter party to celebrate the beginning of the campaign.  The next Mamavation Moms will be announced at the Twitter party!

I’m excited for all of the finalists and can’t wait to find out who will be the next Mamavation Moms!

Today’s Mamavation Monday post is going to be very short.  As I feared, this last step of my Effexor withdrawal is very difficult.  I am so sick and just feel like lying around.  In my humble opinion, I don’t think this drug should even be on the market.  It worked well when I needed it and it really helped me through PPD, but there are other drugs that would work, too.  The withdrawal is like that of a street drug.  Never again will I take Effexor, and I warn anyone against taking it.  There are many other drugs on the market that are easier to come off of.  Don’t just take it from me – a psychiatrist will tell you the same thing!

That being said, I don’t have a goal for this week.  Just taking one moment at a time.

Best wishes to the finalists!

Down to Zero

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Today is the final day of my withdrawal from Effexor: dropping down to 0mg.  I’m about an hour past the time I always take my dose, and I’m kind of nervous.

Am I going to have worse withdrawal effects than usual, simply because I’m coming completely off the drug now?  Will I finish this long withdrawal process only to find out that I need to continue to be on medication?

I’m not even excited, like I thought I would be, because I don’t want to be disappointed if it goes poorly.  If PPD still has a hold over me…I don’t know what to even say other than I’ll be disappointed.

Time to wait and see…

Checking In: A Meds Withdrawal Update

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It’s been nearly two weeks since I’ve started withdrawing from Effexor.  The first phase of my withdrawal was to drop to 112.5 mg from 150 mg.  The first few days were the hardest.  I had dizziness, nausea, migraines, a sensation that my skin was crawling, and difficulty sleeping.  As the time of my next dose approached, I would get very sweaty and jittery.  I’ve been doing better now, but still occasionally get the skin crawling sensation.  Sometimes it keeps me from falling asleep at night.

On Saturday, I drop down in dosage again, this time from 112.5 mg to 75 mg.  I’m kind of nervous; but I’m also happy to try and get off of this drug.  Hopefully it will all work as planned and I will be able to stay off of medication during a future pregnancy. :)

Thank you to all who have given me well wishes and have asked how this process is going for me.  I really appreciate your support!

An Apology in Advance…

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To my dear family and friends, and anyone else with whom I have contact during the next two months -

I feel the need to apologize in advance.  There is a good chance that I will be moody and suffer from a migraine during the majority of the next two months, while I withdraw from Effexor.  I will try my absolute best not to be a huge pain in the a$$; but if I am, know that I don’t mean it.

Love,
Kristin :)

Building My Team of Doctors

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So, if you haven’t heard…Hubster and I are starting to think about trying for Baby Deuce.  Since I’ll be at high risk for experiencing another postpartum mood disorder, I want to be as prepared as possible before becoming pregnant.  I’ve been working on building my “team.”

On Wednesday, I met with a therapist who has quite a bit of experience working with PPD.  She was wonderful, and I was completely comfortable with her.  I’m so happy to have found another therapist that I like.  I have a hard time opening up, so I was nervous about finding someone.

On Thursday, I had an appointment with a psychiatrist that my therapist recommended.  I can’t even begin to tell you how excited I am to have him on my team.  The man is brilliant; you can just tell.  When I explained how I’d been told to withdraw from Effexor, he raised his eyebrow and said, “She told you what?”  He told me that Effexor, while a very effective drug, is one of the absolute worst drugs to miss a dose of and to withdraw from.  We agreed on a very slow schedule of tapering off of the medication.  It should take me about two months to come completely off, and then we’ll need to wait two weeks to see if I am okay without any medication.

He also chatted with me about SSRIs that have been proven to be safer during pregnancy, in the event that I would need to continue with medication.  The man really knows his stuff, and I feel so blessed to be able to meet with him.  I feel very confident that he’ll be able to help me through whatever mental health challenges, if any, are ahead of me.

The last member of my “team” will be an OBGYN.  I need to know that if I experience hyperemesis again, that I’ll be able to get an appointment earlier than the standard 8-12 weeks gestation.  I need to know that my OBGYN is a competent surgeon, since I will need a scheduled c-section.  I need to know that my OBGYN recognizes that I’m at high-risk for depression during pregnancy and postpartum.  I will have this appointment in late July.

I’m so excited about my team!  I’m thrilled that Hubster and I are in a larger city now, with a greater pool of medical professionals available.  I’m happy that we’re going into this prepared for all possibilities.  I’m excited for our family to grow. :)