Tag Archives: postpartum mood disorders

PPD, PPMDs and Some Not-So-Common Symptoms

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Spreading awareness about PPD and other postpartum mood disorders (PPMDs) is something that is very close to my heart.  If it wasn’t for another blogger sharing her experience with a PPMD, I wouldn’t have realized that I needed help.  I didn’t experience symptoms that one might typically associate with depression.  I didn’t “feel” depressed.  Here are some of the not-so-common symptoms of PPMDs that I’d like to share with you:

  • Rage
  • Feeling overwhelmed
  • Feeling guilty
  • Feeling nothing
  • Feeling disconnected or, conversely, hyperattachment (sometimes referred to as intensive mothering)
  • Anxiety
  • Intrusive thoughts
  • Racing thoughts
  • Lack of concentration
  • Sleeping disturbances
  • Appetite changes
  • Physical symptoms (i.e. nausea, headaches, stomach cramps)

For more information about PPD and other PPMDs, check out my guest article that is being featured at Our Mom Spot this week.  For more on my personal experience with PPMDs, you may view all of my posts via my PPD page.

Contentment

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I usually take the path less traveled, and my journey to motherhood was no different.  If you’re not familiar with my story, I’ll give you the abridged version.  In July 2010, I was told I had PCOS (polycystic ovaries) and it would be difficult for me to conceive children.  In August, I started graduate school and a graduate assistantship only to find out a week later that – surprise! – I was pregnant.  I ended up with hyperemesis and was so ill that I could hardly leave our apartment.  In early October, I was forced to withdraw from graduate school, thereby losing my job as well.  I spent the majority of April 2011 experiencing false labor, and then after 2.5 hours of pushing I ended up with an emergency c-section on April 29.  A long, slow spiral into postpartum depression ensued, but wasn’t diagnosed until December 2011.

Most people associate pregnancy and childbirth with joy.  For me, it came with sacrifice, life-changes and emotional devastation.  I had a very difficult time adjusting to stay-at-home-motherhood.  The isolation was awful at times, and only fed my PPD.

So why is this post titled, “Contentment?”  Well, folks, I’ve finally reached it.  Just in this past week after getting settled in our new city, I’ve realized that my heart is content.

It has taken me 14 months since C’s birth, but I have finally embraced my role as a stay-at-home mom to an adventurous, loving boy.  I’m enjoying every day that I get to be with him.  I’m soaking up all of his hugs, kisses and laughter.  I delight in the moments that I get to hold my sweet son.  He fills me with joy and love – emotions that I can truly feel now.

I’ve reached the point of knowing that there’s nowhere else I’d rather be.

I have to admit that part of me feels guilty that it has taken this long.  Fourteen months is a long time.  But mostly, I’m just so happy to be in this place.  I feel like a warrior.  I’ve battled postpartum depression with all of the fight that I had in me, and I’ve won.  Contentment is my proof.

There are still challenges ahead, but I’m learning so much about coping with stress and anxiety.  Healing continues to be an active learning experience.  I’m so grateful for the people in my life who have stood with me; and for the fellow mamas with postpartum mood disorders who have taught me so much about support, love, strength and healing.

The journey continues, friends.  Let’s walk with our heads held high.

xo


The Lasting Effects of Postpartum Depression by Delilah Love {Guest Post}

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Hey y’all! You can call me Delilah! I’m the mommy to 5, wife to 1, and warden to a psychotic dog! I’m a
self-confessed socially awkward, southern girl with sass. I share my sometimes-successful attempts at domestication, motherhood, and life in general on my blog, Confessions of a Semi-Domesticated Mama. I’m definitely not the next June Cleaver but my kids are still alive, my house hasn’t been condemned and I still have all my own hair. I’m just a mom- that’s my superpower. Welcome to my Semi-Domesticated Life.  I hope you brought wine.

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I still have days. You know, those days. The kind that make me want to crawl back in bed with the covers over my head so I can hide from the world. The kind that makes me short tempered and cranky. I get irritated when my kids are being loud or whiny or doing the stuff that kids just do. The kind that makes me feel overwhelmed and inferior. The kind that makes me feel like a bad mom. I have those days more often than I would like to admit. I struggle with being present in the moment with my kids. I always have a running to do list in my head, all the stuff that needs to be done just keeps growing and growing until I feel like I can’t breathe. It’s a vicious cycle that never ends.

I hate the days when I feel irrationally irritated with my kids. I want them to know that I love them more than anything in this world, that they are the sole reason I am still alive, that I would do anything for them, that they were my sunshine on the very darkest of days. There are far too many days when I fall short of making sure they know this. When I yell because I have reached the end of my patience, or when I snap at them out of frustration, I hate myself. I beat myself up, call myself names, and tell myself that I don’t deserve my family.

Postpartum Depression, Anxiety, and Psychosis did this to me. I have this need, deep down inside me, to make up for the last 18 months. To atone for the months where I was emotionally absent from my children. It eats at me all the time. I have flashes of memories from the worst weeks that pierce my heart like daggers because I know my children suffered. I know they felt my distance and they didn’t understand it. How do you atone for these things? How? I worry sometimes that my 21 month old daughter’s bond to my husband is so much greater than her bond to me, simply because he was present during the time I couldn’t be. I’ll be honest, there are many a day where I’m not sure she loves me as much as she loves him. I understand why she wouldn’t but it still wounds something deep inside me to wonder, even briefly, if my child loves me.

This is the reality of life after a Postpartum Mood Disorder. It is not pretty and it is not a path I ever thought I would have to walk. But here I am. It seems like people want to sweep Postpartum Mood Disorders under the rug or hide it behind closed doors so nobody will know. All that accomplishes is making the women walking the same rocky path feel more alone, more isolated and more ashamed. I choose to be one of the few that stand up and talk about my journey. I choose to be honest and transparent about this struggle in the hopes that it will reach just one mom who is still stuck in the black hole.

The stigma must be broken. Women must feel able to ask for help without fear of judgment. Women have to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I wish someone had been there to tell me.

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Thank you for sharing your story, Delilah, and helping break the stigma of postpartum mood disorders.

Arming Myself With Information

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Now that C is 13 months old, it’s about that time…to think about when to start trying for baby deuce.  PPD caught me off guard last time (well, let’s be honest, the pregnancy itself caught me off guard as well!).  This time, I want to be thorough, knowledgeable and have a game plan.

I’ve talked to my #PPDchat lovelies about resources they’ve utilized and they came up with a list for me:

My first read was the book by Jerusha Clark, which was interesting.  I enjoy reading other women’s stories because I see myself in them.  Her book is an excellent resource for partners, family, and friends of women with PPD.

I’m simultaneously working through Karen Kleiman’s, “What Am I Thinking? Having a Baby After Postpartum Depression,” and Shoshana S. Bennett’s, “Pregnant on Prozac.”  Kleiman’s book is very interactive.  You’re able to write in your answers to specific questions that she’s laid out to help you examine your mindset and develop your plan for dealing with a subsequent episode of PPD.  Bennett’s book is really helping me figure out the treatment options for mood disorders during pregnancy, which treatment plan is best for me, which doctors I will need to have on my “team,” and the risks of both treating and not treating depression with medication during pregnancy.

I’m also eager to read Karen Kleiman’s, “This Isn’t What I Expected: Overcoming Postpartum Depression.”

Once we move into our permanent apartment and our new insurance starts, I want to start assembling my team of doctors that I will need to see me through this (primary care provider, OBGYN, psychiatrist and/or therapist).  Upon the recommendation in Bennett’s book, I’ve contacted my state coordinator of Postpartum Support International to see if they have a list of specialists in my area.  Ideally, I’d like my doctors to have experience with PPD and treating women with psychiatric medication during pregnancy.  We’ll see if I get lucky and they exist in my area!  *fingers crossed*

I’m eager to talk things through with my “team” and figure out if I should try to wean off of my medication, or to a lower dosage, before trying for baby deuce; or if it’s best for me to keep going with what is working for me.  I’m excited to expand our family and give C a sibling, but I also want to be super prepared.  And when I factor in my PCOS, only time will tell if conceiving baby deuce will be a challenge.

Have you read any other books about this topic that helped you?  Have you had a baby after PPD?  If so, what was your experience like?