I woke up today feeling much the same as I have for the past week. Yes, C was still the same child I have known and loved dearly since he was born. But we also have learned that his life will not be as easy as we once had hoped. My emotions since his diagnosis last week can all be summed up with sadness, anger, jealousy and anxiety. They aren’t pretty, but they are real.
Sadness that his childhood will be difficult. Sadness that he will struggle with his differences and be misunderstood by his peers. Sadness that my beautiful child will fight to keep up developmentally, not in all areas but certainly in some.
Anger that this happened to my sweet, innocent, bright, loving child. Anger that other children do not need to struggle like my son, who doesn’t understand social cues and other things that we take for granted (like holding onto something before you lift your leg to put on your pants to keep you from falling over). Anger that some families have multiple children and none of them have special needs.
Yeah, not pretty. But real.
Jealousy that some families can have many children and none of them have special needs, but my sweet child has gone through malnourishment, an NG tube, g-tube surgery for PEG tube placement, a g-tube button placement, multiple tube feedings per day, complications from gastroparesis and acid reflux, staph infections, sensory processing disorder, abnormal brain activity and now autism.
Anxiety about my son’s future. Will he be bullied? Will he have friends? Will he be able to handle a school environment? Will he be able to get the help he needs?
Sadness, anger, jealousy, anxiety. Ugly thoughts. Raw emotions.
Then this afternoon, the clouds began to lift just slightly. A sliver of light glimmered into my heart once again. I’m not sure what triggered it. Tonight things are looking up. We’re moving forward. We have an amazing support system of family, dear friends and new friends. I need to learn how to accept help, but that’s a different post for a different day. 😉 Tonight is the first step in preparing to move forward.